Some Velvet Morning - Lee Hazelwood & Nancy Sinatra

"Flowers growing on the hill ... dragonflies and daffodils. Learn from us, very much. Look, but do not touch."

I never thought much about dragonflies before we lost our boys because of Leukemia. If I thought of them at all, it was only to think that they kept the mosquito population down, or that they were strange and peculiar looking creatures. But then, when we moved to Florida two years ago, they became a huge part of my life.

It began early one summer morning when Sally, the Wonder Westie, and I were out in the backyard. She was on her leash just sniffing around. Out of nowhere came an extraordinarily beautiful creature. He lit on her leash and walked it like a tight rope right up to my hand. I was pretty amazed – I just stood there staring. He was a lovely shade of orange with glittering golden wings. With huge black eyes, he stared up at me and then began to chatter. Did you know that dragonflies can “talk”? Neither did I until that morning. A moment later, a second dragonfly appeared, lighting on Sally’s leash behind the orange one. He was the most spectacular shade of iridescent purple I have ever seen, with silver wings.

We met every morning that summer, those two little dragonflies, Sally and I. I learned that if I held my index finger out straight and steady, occasionally one or the other would light there briefly. Their touch was soft and gentle. Sometimes, they would be joined by their friends ~ dazzling creatures in all the colors of the rainbow. There were red ones, green ones, blue ones, yellow ones. I never realized that dragonflies came in so many different colors. We began meeting in the afternoons, too. Sometimes, we would just talk, other times they would do soaring dances for me, flying high into the sky and circling round and round. Sometimes, one would light somewhere and sit for 30 minutes while I snapped pictures. That’s how I captured “Jeffrey’s Dragonfly” ~ the beautiful orange one that is the same color as Jeffrey’s hair! I so looked forward to our visits every day!! They go to bed as soon as the sun sets, but in summer that’s not very early, so we had lots of time together.

When the Fall came and, along with it, cooler weather, our visits became fewer and farther between until one day in November, there were no dragonflies waiting for me. That was a sad day, still I knew in my heart that they would be back, and I was thrilled that March morning when I saw the first one! While they were away, I set about learning everything I could about dragonflies. Did you know, because of their wing configuration, they can hover, can fly backwards, forwards and side-to-side. They are nature’s own little helicopters. Their gossamer-like wings are pretty tough. It takes a lot to tear one, though they look so very fragile. And, yes, they come in many different colors! You just have to look closely ~
I also came across this inspiring story about dragonflies that brought even more meaning to me:

The Dragon Fly ~ In the bottom of an old pond lived some grubs. They could not understand why none of them ever came back after crawling up the stems of the lilies to the top of the water. They promised each other that the next one who made the climb would return to tell them what happened. Soon, one of them felt an urgent need to seek the surface. He climbed the stem and when he reached the surface, he rested on top of a lily pad. It was then that he went through the glorious transformation that made him a dragonfly with beautiful, amazing, translucent wings that shone many different colors in the sunlight. In vain he tried to keep his promise to return, flying back and forth over the pond and peering at his loved ones below. Then he realized that, even if they could see him, they wouldn’t recognize him for he was no longer a grub at the bottom of the pond. He had become such a radiant and beautiful creature.
Here’s the thing … Just because we can’t see our loved ones or recognize them after the transformation that we call death, it doesn’t mean they cease to exist. No, it doesn’t mean that at all.

I’ve learned a great deal about this journey of life from my amazing dragonflies. I’ve learned that our loved ones are not gone. They are all around us each and every day … perhaps in the eyes of the spectacular dragonflies.

Please see our blog at its new location ~ Nancy's Blog at Jeffrey's Voice ~ Together, we CAN cure leukemia and rid the world of this horrific disease once and for all. Together, we WILL ...

Mama, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys ~ Waylon Jennings & Willie Nelson

"Don't let 'em pick guitar or drive them old trucks, make 'em be doctors and lawyers and such ..."

So, I know that's what Waylon and Willie said, but sometimes cowboys are just born, and in spite of a Mama's best efforts, that's how they grow up. I have two cowboy sons and one "and such..."! Allyn made it clear from the outset that he was going to be a part of the elite and his tastes were such that cowboyhood never entered his mind. He isn't a doctor or lawyer, but rather a very successful executive whose talents are in high demand. That's good ... that makes me smile!

Jeff and Brian, on the other hand, were born as cowboys. From early on, they loved the outdoors and all the excitement of discovering the new things and the new experiences that it provided. Because they wanted to play outside so much of the time, we fenced in our backyard. That only held them in for a few years! As soon as they were big enough, they learned to jump it. That was no easy task, as it was a 5-1/2 foot wooden thing with a locking gate.  Somehow, they would manage to pull themselves up to the top and then dive over head first. Of course, Jeff would always talk his little brother into doing the dive first, so he could see how it went and determine if he really wanted to take that risk! Once released, they would explore the neighborhood with Thomas, their friend who lived a few doors down. That usually ended not so well for any of the three of them. There was always some mischief to make, and they had a keen sense of where that might be. So, they would go there and make it ~ mischief, I mean. We, or Thomas' parents, would always find out and then the cowboys would be corralled for a time.


There was a fairly large piece of land between the back of our fence and the street. It was heavily wooded and a perfect place for the guys to play. One summer, when they were 9 and 10, they built a "hide-out" back there from the plywood we had in our basement storage room. They took the large pieces of plywood and pushed them over the fence, then they would do the fence dive behind them. This little venture involved not only Thomas, but Timmy, as well ~ another neighbor from the next cul-de-sac. They drew plans for the hide-out and then set about building it. They spent hours and days hammering, building, creating. They begged for blankets and flashlights and other paraphernalia to make their hide-out a more comfortable place. They were SO proud when they finished. All the parents were called together to view their creation. Non-cowboy adults are much less adventurous and much more cautious than cowboy children. We weren't really in to doing the fence dive thing, so we walked around to the other side and went in from the back. We were amazed! They had pooled all of their resources and walked to the Ace Hardware where they purchased paint, several 2x4's and a battery-powered Coleman lantern. Their hide-out included benches and a make-shift table ~ the perfect place for "suburban cowboys". I was always surprised that the county didn't find it and remove it because a portion of it was on the right of way. I suppose it was back far enough in the woods that the workmen didn't see it. That little hide-out was still there when we sold that home several years later, although it wasn't used as frequently as that first summer when it was built!

As the boys grew older, they continued to like cowboy things. They camped, fished, and helped their cousin on his farm in middle Georgia, where they called themselves "ranch hands". Whitewater rafting, or just rafting period, was one of their favorite things to do, and hunting, of course! They both had pick up trucks and they both picked guitar. But here's the thing ...

Waylon & Willie said "Them that don't know him  probly won't like him & them that do sometimes won't know how to take him" ... I think being a cowboy isn't about what you've done or how you act. It's a state of mind ... an attitude. My cowboys were fiercely independent, wanted to find their own way, but still, kind, caring and so considerate. I could write for hours about my two cowboys and the cowboy things they did, and I could post lots of pictures. But, they didn't wear "lone star belt buckles" ~ faded Levis, well, yes, every now and then, but it was mostly Polos and Khakis. That's how it was ...

Waylon & Willie also said, "If you don't understand him and he don't die young, he'll probly just ride away ..." I like to think my two amazing cowboys just rode away, but the truth is, they died young, because of Leukemia ... my children, and so many more have been lost to this wretched disease. It's time we found a cure, don't you think?  "Cowboys ain't easy to love and harder to hold ..." said Waylon & Willie. My cowboys were so very easy to love, but so hard to hold. If I could have, well I would have. If I could have somehow protected them from disease and from heartbreak, well, I would have.

We can protect those struggling today with Leukemia ... those yet to come ... and honor those lost. Together, we can live in a world free of this wretched disease. You can help. Visit http://jeffreysvoice.org/ and join us in the fight. Oh, and Leukemia, well you SUCK ~

Too Much To Dream ~ The Electric Prunes

"I had too much to dream last night ~ too much to dream. I'm not ready to face the light ~ I had too much to dream last night."

"I've always thought that 'The Electric Prunes' is a strange name for a band, or just about anything else, for that matter. Still, they did have this wonderful song way back in the day, that perfectly describes my feelings when I woke up this morning."

That's how I started this post over two months ago, back on December 6 ~ the day after I had a really remarkable dream. I've been staring at it almost daily since that time, but I just couldn't seem to make myself move beyond those first two sentences. The thing is, this is about a dream that I had that was both upsetting and uplifting. In the end, to me at least, uplifting best describes it, but I wondered how and if I could write about it in such a way as to convey that feeling. There are those who will say that this dream was just the result of an over-active imagination of a sad, pathetic and distraught woman clinging to the memory of her amazing children so tragically lost to her in this life. There are those who will say, "Well, she's finally gone over the edge." But, there are those who will understand and believe that this experience was real in every way. You see, I'm pretty sure that we have an everlasting connection to our loved ones both in this life and beyond. I've had many experiences since the loss of my children that more than confirm that belief for me. This was just one of those ... So, here goes ~

Have you ever had a dream that was so real, so vivid, so overwhelming, that you really weren't ready to face the light the next morning ... a dream in which you could talk, taste, feel everything and everyone around you ... a dream that filled you with every emotion you can imagine ~ fear, joy, sadness, love, hate. That was the dream I had several months ago, and it is still as real to me this moment as it was when I was wrapped in it. This is what happened in my dream.

I was in my car on a beautiful, sunny summer day in Atlanta. I was driving down Mt. Vernon road heading home from my office. It was early afternoon. Suddenly, I saw Jeffrey crawling along the side of the road. I stopped the car and seemed to fly out of it to his side. He had all of his beautiful red hair, and he looked healthy, except that he had been viciously attacked by someone or something, and he was trying desperately to get home. I was terrified and horrified, but he just got into the car and smiled. He was missing both feet. His left arm was gone from his elbow down. Sick with fear, I looked at him and said, "Oh Jeffrey, what happened." With those amazing aquamarine eyes and a smile on his face, he said, "I was attacked, Mom, but don't worry. I'm okay." We drove a while, and it seemed as though we were on a country road somewhere. The colors were so bright ... the blue of the sky that matched Jeffrey's blue polo shirt, the green of the grass and the trees, the bright yellow sun shining on the blacktop of the road. I remember thinking that this was an odd route to get to the hospital and that I had to hurry to get him there, yet somehow I was confident that I was going the right way. Sure enough, in a matter of seconds, we found ourselves in the Emergency Room at Emory Hospital. Jeffrey was on a table and several Doctors were treating him ~ cleaning him up and stitching his wounds. One of the Doctors looked at me and said, "Okay, Mrs. Horne. We've done all that we can do for him. You can take him home now." I said, "But, Doctor, he has no feet, and he has no arm" to which the Doctor replied, "I know, and I'm sorry, but there's nothing else we can do."

Jeffrey, hopped down off the table and, though he had no feet, walked with me to the car. He was walking slightly in front of me, so it was easy to see that he had on flip-flops. He had no feet, but he had on his favorite flip-flops. He turned to me and said, "Hurry up, Mom. We have to meet my friends at the California Pizza Kitchen." He was walking quickly across the bridge to the hospital parking lot, and I was thinking "how can he walk? He has no feet, and he has on flip-flops." It just didn't seem to bother him at all.

When we arrived at the California Pizza Kitchen, it was crowded with his friends. I knew some of them, but others, I didn't. I sat down with a group of boys from Jeff's and Brian's high school. One of them asked, "Mrs. Horne, where's Brian?" Before I could answer, Jeff said, "Oh you know how Brian is ~ he's everywhere!" Jeffrey was talking and laughing and going from table to table to visit with his friends. Then he came over to the table where I was sitting and took a seat. His friends were kidding him about the Jeff  Gordon NASCAR cap he was wearing. The pizza came and everyone was eating, but I felt overwhelmed with a great sadness. It was a sadness mixed with fear and sympathy/empathy for my child. I wondered how he felt being with his friends when he had no feet and only one arm. I wondered how he was feeling inside, but he just kept talking and enjoying himself. I found myself looking down at the floor. I remember thinking how hard it was to look at Jeffrey, and I wondered, again, if his friends felt that way. Suddenly, Jeffrey turned to me and said, "It's okay, Mom. You don't have to be afraid to look at me. I'm alright, and I'm having the time of my life!!!" I remember looking up to see him standing beside my chair. His feet and his arm were no longer gone. His full head of gorgeous red hair (pre-buzz) seemed to glow. He was tall and strong and whole and well and smiling brilliantly at me.

I woke up with a start to a voice saying "It's time to wake up now." I had fallen asleep in my recliner in the den in front of the television. The sun was just coming up. I looked around the darkened room to see who was telling me to wake up. There was no one there. Mr. Horne was snoring away in the master bedroom, and Camilla (Jeff's English Bulldog) and Sally (Brian's little Westie) were both sound asleep. Still, I know that I heard that voice, distinctly and clearly. It was not a part of the dream. You see, it, like the dream, was real. All morning, I thought about "the dream" and how truly amazing it was in every way. I thought about how wonderful it was to share that time with Jeffrey even though, in my "dream", he was terribly injured. And I thought about how, when he was so ill with Leukemia, he behaved much like he did in my "dream". In spite of the horror, he managed to have "the time of his life" those last few months.

Here's the thing ... in this life, Jeffrey was, indeed, attacked by a monster called Leukemia, and it robbed him of his health and his very life. But he never let it get him down. He never gave up, and he continued to live life to the fullest until the day he died. His strength, courage, spirit, good humor and faith inspire me to continue to wage war on this monster called Leukemia. Leukemia was the enemy of both Jeffrey and Brian. Now it is mine, and like Jeffrey, I will never give up in the fight ~ not until I draw my last breath. Both of our boys handed me a torch, and I want to use it to light yours. To make Leukemia YOUR enemy, too.

Will you join me in the fight for a cure for Leukemia? There are nearly 1 million living with Leukemia and blood cancers today, and every four minutes of every day there's a new diagnosis. There are no known causes for Leukemia or known ways to prevent it. That's why research is so critical. Jeffrey's Voice funds research that will lead to a cure, and that is our only mission. Together, we can win this fight. Together, we can find a cure. Together, we can reach the day when no more are lost to this wretched disease, the day when all remissions are permanent, and the day when finally there is a cure for all. To learn more about the mission of Jeffrey's Voice, please visit http://jeffreysvoice.org/ ~

I'm Not Scared ... Unknown Artist

"There’s something flying through the air out there.

On a broomstick gliding through the air out there.

But I’m not scared 'cause I’m safe inside,

I’m not scared, but I think I’ll hide."

There was little "ditty" (that's a song) that our oldest son, Allyn, learned for Halloween back when he was in First Grade. When "the boys" - Jeff and Brian - came along, Allyn taught it to them before they even started school. We sang it for years every Halloween, but only during daylight hours! After dark, it would cause them, especially the little ones, undue fear.  That fear was furthered by the notion that all three of them believed I turned into a witch every night at midnight. Now, I don't know why that is ... perhaps it's genetic. You see, for years as a child, I believed my own dear, sweet Mother turned into a witch every night, too. It certainly couldn't have been that I encouraged that idea. No, there's not a chance of that!

It became a matter of great interest to the boys. They would ask me endless questions ~ "Where do you keep your broomstick, Mommy?" "Where's your cauldron?" "Can you cast spells?" "Do you have a black cat?" "Where is he?" "Do you have witch friends?" It was all an intriguing little game we played, especially at Halloween! They weren't afraid ~ in fact, they were never afraid of much of anything. They were just curious, and, of course, in their hearts they knew it was all a game. They loved Halloween and would plan their costumes for weeks. Halloween night, out the door we would go ... me in my witch paraphernalia and they in whatever costume they had decided upon. We were blessed, as my Mom was a wonderful seamstress and made their bunny, pumpkin, bear, Ninja Turtle, and many more costumes for years, until they reached the years that they wanted to be nasty, monstrous looking things with claws and fangs! The rule in our house was that when they reached 13, they could no longer go out "treating", as Allyn always called it, because there were no tricks. At that point, they would help me decorate, dress up in their scary costumes, and take turns handing out candy to the "treaters", as Allyn called them, because there were no "tricksters"!

But, as the boys grew older and entered the teen years, I think their belief that I was a witch intensified ~ especially when they couldn't have their way. They would ask, I would say "NO", and they would mutter under their breaths, "Mom's a witch!" I would say, "I heard that." Of course, then they would turn those years of fun and games right back on me ~ "Well, Mom, you said so!" And, well, I guess I did, and I suppose they could have called me worse, but they wouldn't have. Like I said, they had no fear ~ except, perhaps, of the wrath and withering looks from their Mother when they did something really bad. Being restricted from certain activities was not something they looked forward to, so they were generally pretty well-behaved ~ at least at home. Once away from home, well, that's another song for another day!

I'm not scared anymore, either. You see, when you face the worst a parent can imagine ~ the loss of two beautiful and amazing young sons within weeks of each other ~ things that you once feared, no longer have much meaning. There is one thing that I do fear, though, and that is not defeating Leukemia. I fear one more person suffering the devastating impact of this wretched disease. And, although I know that today, like everyday, there will be 118 new diagnoses of Leukemia, and that 60 will be lost, I will fight for a cure until I draw my last breath. You see, Leukemia was the enemy of Jeff and Brian ~ now it is mine. I hope to make it yours. There are no known causes for Leukemia or known ways to prevent it. That is why research into the causes and cures is so very, very critical. Visit Jeffrey's Voice and learn more about our mission to find a cure. Help us by donating ~ there is no amount too small. Every penny, every dime, every dollar donated to Jeffrey's Voice brings us closer to the day when no more are lost to Leukemia, when all remissions are permanent, and when finally there is a cure for all.

Happy Halloween!

My Friend, The Doctor & Other Things ...

There was a song, back in the day, by the Cowsills ~ The Rain, The Park & Other Things. "Flowers in her hair, flowers everywhere ..." Well, I have a song for everything and this is what I have to say ~ just changing the words a bit!

I have a beautiful and amazing friend. Her name is Patti Hall. She and I met when we were very young ~ I was pregnant with our oldest son, Allyn, and she with her oldest son, Jimmy. She worked in an Executive Suites as a receptionist. That's where I had my little 10'x10' office. We shared our stories, and we shared our fears. Just 3 months before Patti gave birth, I delivered a beautiful, healthy baby boy. Patti's delivery was not as successful, and there were some complications with the baby, Jimmy, something her family still struggles with. Shortly after our babies were born, we added a wonderful client that helped my business grow, so I spoke with Patti about coming to work for me. Without hesitation, she said "YES"! We were still in the Executive Suites in my same little office sitting across a desk from each other, trying to talk on the phone and not disturb each other, and eating boiled eggs & Cheetos for lunch. Because we both had babies, we traded days coming in to the office, but we always scheduled two or three days that we were there together. Then, one day when it was Patti's turn to "man" the office, we received a call from a potential client that changed everything! Patti called me at home and said, "Nancy, you have about an hour to get dressed, head downtown and make a presentation to the Southern Cable Television Association." Somehow I managed and somehow we got the account! We moved to our "own" office shortly thereafter ~ we no longer needed the Executive Suites, and we hired a receptionist and a bookkeeper! I remember how excited Patti was about having her own office with, of all things, a window!! We moved a couple of times after that, as the business continued to grow, and then Patti took a few years of sabbatical after the birth of her second and amazing son, Jeffrey.

When she called to ask if she could come back, my heart sang. By that time, my Jeffrey and Brian had joined the Horne family. I remember her walking in the door that day for what she thought was an "interview". She said, "Nancy, you're so thin." I had on a black dress, she a red suit. I rehired her on the spot, and she came to work the next day, picking up right where she left off and never missing a beat!

But, see, Patti was never an employee to me ~ she was my best friend and colleague, and I loved her like a sister. Through the years, we shared everything. The ups and downs with our children, our families, our aging parents, the business ... I know she was always there for me, just as I was always there for her.

We took many business trips together over the years, and what fun we would have. Sometimes, Mr. Horne would accompany us, but he never interfered with our shopping or eating ... thinking he was just there to pay the bills!

Our last trip together was to San Francisco in 2004 for the National Cable & Telecommunications Association's annual meeting. We arrived on Friday ~ she had friends in SF, so had dinner with them that night. Saturday, we went to a breakfast meeting and then out to shop. She mentioned that she didn't feel well and was short of breath, but we chalked it up to bad clams she had the night before with her friends. So vividly I remember this ~ her youngest child, Jeffrey, a proud Marine, was about to be deployed to Iraq, but there was so much chatter on the news about other things ~ it was right after the Pope had died and the Terry Schiavo feeding tube controversy was taking up the rest of the news. As we were walking down the streets of San Francisco, she looked at me and said, "Nancy, I am so upset that I can't hear about what is going on in Iraq. I'm worried about my Jeffrey. Why is this other stuff taking away the news? I'm sorry the Pope is gone. I feel terrible for Terry and her family, but it's because of cases like hers that I refuse to go to the Doctor. I hope, when my time comes, I will just fade away ~ no extraordinary measures, please. Just let me go!" On Sunday, we had meetings, and the Cable Pioneers Dinner that night. She made it to the Dinner, but had to leave because she became ill. We were scheduled to leave for home the next morning (Monday), and I wondered how I would get her to the airport and on the plane, but she seemed better that morning and was able to eat a big breakfast. We made it back to Atlanta, and my amazing Brian drove her car to the airport to meet us so she could go directly home, instead of coming by my house to pick up her car, where she had parked it on Friday.

On Tuesday, she came in to the office, but she looked so pale and so ill. A few minutes later, she came to me and said she was going home, she was too sick to work. I asked if I could drive her home or call her husband Steve to come get her. She simply said, "No, I'll be okay" ~ but she wasn't. I talked to her everyday that week, and it was obvious that she wasn't getting any better. The last time I talked to her was Saturday morning ~ she didn't recognize my voice. I said to her husband, "Steve, you have to get her to the hospital right away." The next day, a Sunday, she got her wish ~ she faded away. I spent  Saturday night at the hospital with her husband, Steve ~ we cried, we prayed, we read the Bible, but it didn't matter. Patti had Acute Mylogenous Leukemia ~ it struck her suddenly and took her suddenly. Now, this beautiful butterfly no longer has to fight to fly ~ no, she now soars with the angels, and I'm positive she has flowers in her hair. Yes, I'm sure there are flowers everywhere around her.

Just 18 months later, my amazing young son, Jeffrey, called me from the Georgia Southern Clinic, telling me he was sick, his hemoglobin count was low, and the Clinic was transporting him to the Emergency Room via ambulance. No one had to tell me what was wrong with him, see I knew what it was ~ I knew it was Acute Leukemia. I also knew what the outcome would be. My beautiful and amazing young son put up a courageous fight for 11 months, but this wretched disease shows no mercy.

And so it goes ~ now, like my dear friend Patti, I no longer go to Doctors either. When I walk into a Doctor's office, my face turns red, my blood pressure soars, my heart races, and I panic each time I see those machines, that medical equipment, those things that couldn't help Patti or Jeff ~ it's just not worth it. My amazing friend got her wish. I hope that, like her, I can get mine and just fade away, too.

Here's the thing, this is not a story about "The Rain, The Park and Other Things" but it is a small part of the story of my amazing friend, Patti, and the wretched disease that has taken so many. For Patti, for my amazing Jeff and Brian, and all the beautiful butterflies fighting to fly, won't you help us find a cure for Leukemia? To learn more and to support our mission to find a cure, please visit Jeffrey's Voice and donate today. No amount is too small ~ every penny, every dime, every dollar donated brings us closer to the day when no more are lost to Leukemia, when all remissions are permanent, and when, finally, there is a cure for all.

I Can't Stay Mad at You ~ Part Two ~ Skeeter Davis

"You can make me cry, you can break my heart, but I'll never say we're through. Even when I try, I can't stay mad at you."

We were among the first to get Comcast high speed Internet service. We were part of a "beta test" in a very limited area of metro Atlanta. We were all thrilled, as we had been using dial-up service, and, well, you may remember how awful that is! The high speed service was wonderful, and amazingly fast. At the time, the boys had a computer, just one, that they had to share. That, my friends, was a recipe for disaster. Jeff was a computer "hog", and poor little Brian just had to stand by and watch his brother! At some point, this usually degenerated into a fight ... sometimes verbal, sometimes physical. That's when we would have a computer "time-out" and agree to certain rules for sharing. That would last for a day or two, then Jeff would be back to his old ways, and Brian would just be the "onlooker". We'd have another "engagement", and then they would be forced to return to the sharing rules for a while. But, most of the time, Brian would be content to watch, soaking everything in like a sponge.

I, too, was an "onlooker", watching them like a hawk when they were using the computer, but I couldn't be there every single second. Our first computer "on-line incident" was with Jeff. He was in the seventh grade, and we had just gotten Internet service. One night the phone rang. It was a parent from the boys' school saying that Jeff had created a horrific and offensive website that was frightening some of the girls at school. She went on to say that this website said Jeff hated horses! Go figure ... I looked at his creation, it consisted of cartoon horses, and it wasn't particularly offensive. Apparently, though, it was to some of the girls in the school, and consequently the parents. The girls seemed to think that a 12 year old was going to somehow manage to travel alone to the stable where the girls' horses were kept and then somehow manage to do harm to their horses. Hmmm .... I told Jeff to take it down, immediately. He did, and we moved on. Still, it amazes me how the boys could do all of these Internet things. Creating and maintaining a website is still something I can't do!

Shortly after the horse website event,  Brian sent a prank email to his teacher. It was an e-card that implied, no stated, that this particular teacher was "fat". That was much more serious. The school took a dim view of his little "joke", as did his parents. Appropriate punishment was meted out, and Brian was off the computer for quite a while.

Next came Jeff's "My Space" incident. I was at work one day when I received an "anonymous" email. It said I should check out Jeff's My Space page and gave me the link. Well, I clicked that link, and I was appalled, shocked and angry! The language was horrific. I checked his friends' pages, and they were equally as bad. I wondered, "How should we handle this one???" It came to me in a flash ... I signed up for My Space with  the screen name "Your Loving Mother". Then I sent Jeff a one word message - "BUSTED"! When I arrived home, Jeff was sitting there in front of his computer just staring at the screen. I said, "So, you got my message," to which he replied, "Yes." "And, you are going to do what ....???" His beautiful blue eyes were terror-filled, but he held his head high and said, "I'm sorry, Mom. I'm taking it down. You can watch me." I watched while he deleted all the posts and closed out his My Space account. We had a lengthy discussion  about the use of foul language. How it is mostly used by people who aren't smart enough to think of the proper words, so they resort to mindless garbage. We talked about how things posted on the Internet can be harmful to him and to others. He seemed to listen intently ... he never had another My Space account. Facebook, well that's another story for another day.

These incidents, though upsetting, disappointing and awful at the time, were really only blips in the screen in the boys' race to become wizards of all things electronic! When we wearied over the constant bickering about computer usage, I brought an old one home from the office and gave it to Brian. Within the week, we had a "home network", long before most of us even knew what a home network was! It was pretty crude, consisting of an ethernet cord strung across the upstairs hall from Jeffrey's room to Brian's and connecting their computers. Now, they shared the Internet connection and could compete against one another with video games. They worked very hard on their "network" and were so proud of their accomplishment! Several years later, they decided to go wireless with their network, and purchased a wireless router. That was great, because now I could share the Internet, too! We had a "whole house" network .... That little wireless router lasted for years, and was still going strong when Mr. Horne and I moved from Atlanta to Florida last year. Occasionally, it would need rebooting, but before Brian left for college, he showed me how to do that.

Both boys, with very little formal training, became experts on windows and related programs. By the time they were 16 and 17, they started working for me, putting together my business Power Point presentations, slide shows and music videos. I would send them copy for the slides, and they would add graphics, music and finishing touches. If a presentation fell during out-of-school times for them, one or the other of them (sometimes both) would dutifully accompany me, checking out the presentation, making sure we had a back-up disc, connecting my lap top to the projector, and any other things necessary, all of which I had absolutely no clue about. And, yes ... I paid them for their efforts. They really were amazingly good! They were also my IT guys for the office. They knew how to fix just about anything that went wrong, so they were always my first call when we had a problem.

But, their fascination with electronics wasn't limited to just computers. They had just about everything you can imagine ... Nintendo, Gameboys, PlayStation, XBox, Wii, GPS devices, cell phones, iPods, iPhones, Mac Books, Satellite Radio .... you name it, they had it, and they were usually the first of their friends to get the latest version! Oh wait, lest you think we were overindulging parents, let me tell you that we weren't. You see, in addition to working for me every now and then, both boys had jobs .... Brian at McDonald's and Jeffrey at Dominoes. They would save their earnings to buy these gadgets. Sometimes they would pool their resources and share the games and game boxes. The amazing thing was that they seemed to require no learning curve for any of them. They simply picked them up and started using them!

Of course, when they had a combined cell phone bill of over $2,000 one month from their over use of the "texting" feature, we had to have a heart-to-heart. Needless to say, I was furious, so I marched them to the Verizon store, where they had to pay a hefty portion of that bill, as well as agree to a new plan with limited texts. They were cured from that point forward and soon learned how to keep track of their usage online to make sure they didn't go over. They weren't afraid of much of anything, but the fear of having to pay for over-usage again, kept them in line!

I could never stay mad at the boys for very long, even when they did things that causes a parent's heart to sink. They always had a way of getting back in my good graces with just a smile, a funny saying or doing something incredibly thoughtful without being asked. I miss them terribly. I miss not being able to call them when I have a computer problem, when my Blackberry isn't working properly, when my wireless connection goes out, when the cable is acting up. I miss not having them here to tell me how to fix these things.

But, here's the thing ... there is something that I will be angry about forever, and that's Leukemia. You see, if not for Leukemia, they would be here with me today. Leukemia is a wretched disease that impacts not only the patient, but everyone whose life is touched by the patient. Though I know that everything medically possible was done for Jeffrey, still we all, including Brian, had to sit helplessly by while he wasted away. Brian, who tried so hard to save his brother ... his lifelong companion and very best friend ... with his donation of stem cells for Jeffrey's transplant, was hit particularly hard by the devastating effects of Leukemia. Leukemia was the enemy of our boys ... now it is mine. I hope to make it yours. You can help in the fight ... visit Jeffrey's Voice to learn more about our mission to find a cure. Together, we can reach the day when no more are lost, when all remissions are permanent, and when finally there is a cure for all.

What Becomes of the Broken Hearted ~ David Ruffin

I wrote a guest post on my twitter friend's blog - his name is Jason Bourne, he has Spina Bifida, but that hasn't stopped him ... not for a minute! Please read my post ... comment if you can, but please help us find a cure for leukemia. And, please follow Jason on twitter and on his blog ... he is amazing!

So many don't understand the devastating and life changing impact of Leukemia. If you haven't experienced it, you cannot know. For all of those struggling with this wretched disease today, for all of those lost and for those yet to come, will you help? Visit Jeffrey's Voice and help us find a cure ...